A TOMATO EVENT
Mike: OK, for those of you who missed it at yesterday's afternoon press conference, our very own Paul Lassider was hit in the face with a rotten tomato.
(All cheer.)
Mike: (seriously) And That's a bad thing!
(All sigh.)
Paul: Honestly, honestly, what kind of guy throws a tomato at another man and runs? I'll tell you what kind-a coward, a wuss. Boy! What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone with that guy!
Mike: (watching his watch) He'll be here at noon.
Paul: Good! You tell him he's lucky, lucky! I am taking an early lunch! (slipping away)
Mike: James were meeting with this farmer this afternoon, were try'n to get him to move his vegetable 1)stand, and I'm gonna want you in there with me, there is a lot riding on this.
James: Wow! Thanks, Mike! I'm um, um, honored, flattered. I really don't know what to say.
Stuart: Don't let it go to your head, Jethro. You're the only one around here that speaks 2)hick.
(In the afternoon.)
Mike: Mr. Stepnosky, 3)howdy! Thanks for coming in.
Stepnosky: I'm not movin my tomato stand!
Mike: Wo, wo, wo, you haven't even heard our offer yet. Now we're willing to pay your entire 4)relocation cost, we'll give you tax 5)abatement for the first year. And to sweeten the pot, a picture of the mayor of New York City personally 6)autographed to you - loyal supporter!
Stepnosky: Blairidy, my lawyer, says I got an iron clad lease. I make good money where I am! I'm not leaving!
Mike: I hear ya. Key chain, coffee mug. That's it now. And now don't go telling the mayor I did this. Mr. Stepnosky, I promise you, you will sell just as many vegetables downtown.
Stepnosky: Tomato is a fruit, Mr.! You call it a vegetable, you might as well put me in a mini-skirt and call me a woman.
Mike: Fruit it is!
James: Hey Mike, sorry I'm late... (surprisingly) Stepnosky?
Mike: You know the vegetable guy?
James: Fruit guy, Mike. Back in Wisconsin, Stepnosky and I used to compete in the pig contest at the county fair.
Mike: Pig, pig contest?
Stepnosky: Where we come from, we take that kind of thing pretty serious, Mr.! (to James) I would have taken you back at 7)Swine Fest 93', but nah you disappeared, vanished without a trace, never to be heard from again.
James: I went to college.
Stepnosky: Well, you left behind quite a 8)legacy. And no matter how many fairs I won, I was always second best, always in the shadow of 9)hog boy Hobert.
Mike: Hog boy? (to Stepnosky) Hey, hey I bet you would like a rematch?
Stepnosky: You bet I would.
James: No, no, Mike, I'm done with pigging.
Mike: (to James) You win, (to Stepnosky) you move your vegetable stand.
Stepnosky: Fruit stand.
Mike: Whatever.
番茄事件
麦克：好了，昨天下午没有出席新闻发布会的人错过了一个机会，我们的保罗·拉西德给一只烂番茄正扔中脸。
（众人大喜。）
麦克：（严肃地）那是一件坏事情！
（众人叹气。）
保罗：老实说，老实说，是哪种人朝别人扔了番茄就逃走？我告诉你们，是懦夫，是胆小鬼！老天，如果能跟那家伙独处五分钟，我倒是不惜一切！
麦克：（看表）他中午会上这来。
保罗：太好了！你转告他，他走运了，走运了！因为我要早点出去吃午餐！（溜走）
麦克∶詹姆斯今天下午来接见这个农民，你让他把菜摊搬走，我要你来给我做帮手，你要出大力了。
詹姆斯∶哇！谢谢你，麦克！我很……很……荣幸，受宠……若……若惊。我真不知该说什么才好。
史图∶别臭美了，杰斯洛。你是这儿唯一会说乡下话的人。
（下午。）
麦克：史特普诺斯基先生，您好！谢谢光临。
史特普诺斯基∶我决不搬走番茄摊！
麦克∶啊呀呀，你还没听到我们提供的条件哪。搬迁费用全部由我们负责，我们免除你第一年的税费。而且为了锦上添花，赠送你一张纽约市市长亲自为你签名的照片--”忠实拥护者”！
史特普诺斯基∶我的律师布莱里蒂说，我的租约可是白纸黑字写着的。我在这钱赚得不错！我决不走！。
麦克∶我听到了。另外再给你钥匙链、咖啡杯。就这样决定了。别告诉市长是我做的。史特普诺斯基先生，我向你承诺，你在城里会卖出同样多的菜。
史特普诺斯基：番茄是水果，先生！番茄能叫做菜的话，我穿上超短裙你就能把我叫成女人了。
麦克：的确是水果！
詹姆斯：嗨，麦克，我迟到了……（惊讶地）史特普诺斯基？
麦克：你认识这个菜贩？
詹姆斯：是水果贩，麦克。当初在威斯康星州时，史特普诺斯基和我曾在县集市上斗过猪。
麦克：猪？斗猪？
史特普诺斯基：在我们那地方，这事可是当真的，先生！（对詹姆斯）我真恨不得跟你回到93年斗猪节上，可你当时就那么消失了，无影无踪了，后来再没有一点消息。
詹姆斯：因为我上大学去了。
史特普诺斯基：好啊，你走了，名垂青史。不管我赢了多少场，始终都不是最好的，总是活在”猪仔霍伯特”的阴影底下。
麦克：猪仔？（对史特普诺斯基）嗨，嗨，我想你一定想再赛上一场吧？
史特普诺斯基：我太想了。
詹姆斯：不，不行，麦克，我不再斗猪了。
麦克：（对詹姆斯）你赢的话，（对史特普诺斯基）你就要搬走菜摊。
史特普诺斯基：是水果摊。
麦克：管它是什么呢。
1) stand n. 台，架
2) hick n. 乡下人
3) howdy（招呼用语）您好
4) relocation n. 变换布置
5) abatement n. 消除
6) autograph v. 亲自署名
7) swine n. 猪
8) legacy n. 遗产，遗赠物
9) hog n. 肥公猪