ODD MEDICAL EXPERIENCES
BY JO BRAND
Now is it just me, or are chemists getting increasingly nosey? It's ever since the government suggested that we consult chemists for minor ailments rather than troubling our doctors, who are all far too busy with their calculators managing their funds. But as a result, chemists have all become a bit big for their boots, if you'll forgive the pun. You go into your chemist's for a bottle of aspirin, and instead of just giving them to you, they now say, "Why? What's wrong?" They're desperate to get you into that little back room they have now, where they can take your blood pressure and poke around in your underwear. That chilling question when you ask for throat sweets, "Are these for you?" I always say, "No, they're for my mother." But what does the bloke who develops your holiday snaps know about gynecological matters? Mind you if he develops my holiday snaps, at least he'll know what he's looking for. You can't have a bloke stumbling out of a dark room dripping fixative fluids, and saying, "OK, Miss Brand, put your feet in the stirrups, and see what develops."
The other brand new medical breakthrough that I personally welcome, is the advent of the drop-in medical centres that you can now see in train stations. You don't have to make an appointment you just drop in and drop them. The appeal of it is that the person you see doesn't know who you are, so you are not likely to bump into him at the school fate, and watch him refuse your homemade upside down cake on the grounds of hygiene. The only problem with these drop-in centres at your local train station is that I am not absolutely convinced that the people you see are actually qualified doctors. The bloke I saw last time wore a blue cap, and tried to remove my verruca with a ticket punch. If you go in and say, "I am late." They automatically blame leaves on the line of Didcock Parkway. Would you go for family planning advice to a virgin train's medical centre? These drop-in centres have particularly shifty waiting rooms. All the blokes pretend to have a cough to deflect suspicion, that it might be something more sinister. Blokes are just no good at going to the doctor, are they? They don't see illness as a natural part of being alive, in the way that women do, that they see it as a form of weakness so they go in to see the doctor and say, "I've got this pain. Actually it's much better today. In fact, I think it's gone. Sorry to have troubled you, goodbye." But it's the doctor who has to say, "But you've got your leg in a carrier bag." Women make no bones about it -we give it to the doctor with both barrels. Women turn up with written accounts, dates, times, Polaroid photos. That's why homeopaths make such a good living -- it's somewhere that woman can go and talk about herself for half an hour, without being interrupted by another woman talking about herself.
看病的另一番滋味
乔.布兰德
究竟是我还是药剂师变得越来越好管闲事了？政府曾建议我们患点小病找药剂师就好了，用不着去看医生，药店的生意于是滚滚而来。但结果药剂师却变得妄自尊大起来，请原谅我说这种俏皮话。你到药店去买瓶阿斯匹林，现在他们非但不给你，还要反问：“怎么了？你哪里不舒服？”他们极力把你弄进小暗室里好给你量个血压、在你身上戳戳点点的。你想买润喉糖却要遭到冷冷的盘问：“是你要买？”我总说：“不是，是给我妈妈买的。”可是一个冲晒生活照的人能有什么妇科知识呢？如果他只是给我晒晒相，他至少还有自知之明。你没可能听凭一个滴着定影剂、从暗室磕磕绊绊走出来的小子说：“好了，布兰德小姐，把你的脚放在马镫上，看看出来什么结果。"
另一种医疗新创举倒是很受我个人欢迎，也就是在火车站设立医护中心。你不必预约，进出自如。好处是诊病的医生和你互不相识，你不会在学校集会上撞见他，看见他因为卫生原因而拒绝你的自制蛋糕。但这种设在本地车站的医护中心的唯一弊端是，你难以判断看诊的医生是否真正合格。上次给我看病的那家伙戴着顶蓝帽，企图拿剪票夹给我除疣。如果你走进去说：“我怀孕了。”他们就自动责怪起迪克车道旁的树叶来。你会去一家贞女培训医院询问计划生育建议吗？这些车站医护中心的候诊室特别不规矩。所有的男医生都假装以咳嗽避嫌，那说明你患的可能是更严重的病。男人不习惯去看医生，是不是？他们不承认疾病是生命的一个自然组成部分--女人才去看病--男人则把看病当成是弱点的表现，所以去看病的时候他们说：“我生病了。实际上今天好些了。其实我想我已经痊愈了。很抱歉打扰你，再见。”然后却是医生不得不说：“可你的手提袋里还装着你的腿呢。”女人们却毫不犹豫地把一切告诉医生。她们看病的同时还带上帐号、日期、时间、照片。所以顺势医疗师的生意异常红火--女人可以上那去谈自己谈上半小时
根本不用担忧受到另一个谈论自己的女人所干扰。
consult
英 [kən'sʌlt] 美 [kən'sʌlt]
vt. 查阅；商量；向…请教
vi. 请教；商议；当顾问
ailment
英 ['eɪlm(ə)nt] 美 ['elmənt]
n. 小病；不安
pun
英 [pʌn] 美 [pʌn]
vi. 说双关语；说俏皮话
n. 双关语；俏皮话
vt. 捣实敲打
n. (Pun)人名；(柬)本；(泰)汶
过去式 punned过去分词 punned现在分词 punning
aspirin
英 ['æsp(ə)rɪn] 美 ['æsprɪn]
n. 阿司匹林（解热镇痛药）
复数 aspirin或aspirins
poke
英 [pəʊk] 美 [pok]
vi. 刺，捅；戳；伸出；刺探；闲荡
vt. 刺，捅；戳；拨开
n. 戳；刺；袋子；懒汉
过去式 poked 过去分词 poked 现在分词 poking
chilling
英 ['tʃɪlɪŋ] 美 ['tʃɪlɪŋ]
adj. 寒冷的；冷漠的；使人恐惧的；令人寒心的；呱呱叫的（等于chillin）
n. 冷却；寒冷
v. 冷却（chill的ing形式）
bloke
英 [bləʊk] 美 [blok]
n. 家伙；小子
snap
英 [snæp] 美 [snæp]
vt. 突然折断，拉断；猛咬；啪地关上
vi. 咬；厉声说；咯嗒一声关上
n. 猛咬；劈啪声；突然折断
adj. 突然的
过去式 snapped 过去分词 snapped 现在分词 snapping
gynecological
英 [,ɡaɪnɪkə'lɒdʒɪkəl] 美 [gaɪnəkə'lɑdʒɪkl]
adj. 妇科的；妇产科医学的
stumble
英 ['stʌmb(ə)l] 美 ['stʌmbl]
vi. 踌躇，蹒跚；失足；犯错
vt. 使…困惑；使…绊倒
n. 绊倒；蹒跚而行
过去式 stumbled 过去分词 stumbled 现在分词 stumbling
fixative
英 ['fɪksətɪv] 美 ['fɪksətɪv]
adj. 固定的；定色的；防挥发的
n. 固定剂；[助剂] 定色剂；定影剂
advent
['ædvɛnt]
n. 到来；出现；基督降临；基督降临节
stirrup
英 ['stɪrəp] 美 ['stɪrəp]
n. [建] 箍筋；马镫；镫形物
n. (Stirrup)人名；(英)斯特拉普
appeal
英 [ə'piːl] 美 [ə'pil]
vi. 呼吁，恳求；上诉；诉诸，求助；有吸引力，迎合爱好；（体育比赛中）诉诸裁判
n. 呼吁，请求；吸引力，感染力；上诉；诉诸裁判
vt. 将…上诉，对…上诉
hygiene
英 ['haɪdʒiːn] 美 ['haɪdʒin]
n. 卫生；卫生学；保健法
verruca
英 [və'ruːkə] 美 [və'rukə]
n. [生物] 疣；赘肉
n. (Verruca)人名；(意)韦鲁卡
复数 verrucae
punch
英 [pʌn(t)ʃ] 美 [pʌntʃ]
n. 冲压机；打洞器；钻孔机
vt. 开洞；以拳重击
vi. 用拳猛击
n. (Punch)人名；(马来)蓬芝；(英)庞奇
deflect
英 [dɪ'flekt] 美 [dɪ'flɛkt]
vt. 使转向；使偏斜；使弯曲
vi. 转向；偏斜
parkway
英 ['pɑːkweɪ] 美 ['pɑrk'we]
n. 驾车专用道路；[建] 公园道路
shifty
英 ['ʃɪftɪ] 美 ['ʃɪfti]
adj. 变化的；诡诈的；机智的
比较级 shiftier 最高级 shiftiest
barrel
英 ['bær(ə)l] 美 ['bærəl]
vt. 把……装入桶内
n. 桶；枪管，炮管
vi. 快速移动
n. (Barrel)人名；(法、意)巴雷尔
过去式 barreled或-relled 过去分词 barreled或-relled 现在分词 barreling或barrelling
homeopath
英 ['həʊmɪəpæθ; 'hɒm-] 美 ['homɪəpæθ]
n. 同种疗法医师；顺势医疗论者
big for one's boots 自大的，自负的
on the grounds of 因为
be late 可指迟到，在此处的意思是“怀孕”。
make no bones about sth 对……事情毫不犹豫